Dating Smarter

Hating Dating? I did too. Many others have as well. Time and time again, I too have fallen into the negative effects of dating. Heartbreak over and over and… well, over again. This may be an experience you can empathize with. Dr. Van Epp’s book titled How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk. It teaches important principles and undertakings into the world of dating. This is a book that you’d wish you had read before you started dating. It’s not too late!

Leaving for my first semester in college, my Mom offered for me to read this book, the one mentioned earlier. Ironically, after reading some of it, I still questioned and tested the fundamentals of the book. The patterns of dating that I had in high school continued, and I found myself asking, 'How do I pick the right guy to date? Why does it start so “well” and end so “bad”'? If you find yourself somehow repeating the same mistakes in dating, or choosing the same guys… read on. 

SO FIRST -- WHAT IS A JERK? 

Jerks can be male or female. Old or young. Short or tall. Any race. Dr. Van Epp specifically defines a real jerk as someone who:

1). Has a habit of breaking boundaries,

2). Has the inability to see things from anyone else’s perspectivee

3). Has a dangerous lack of emotional control and balance—meaning either over-reactive or emotionally flat and inexpressive

I am no expert on the practices of this book, but I would like to share a few main points—especially for those going on dates and finding it difficult to “Find the One.” 

 

The first is introducing the R.A.M. --the Relationship Attachment Model. Epp states that one mark should never be higher than the one to the left of it when testing the attachment and compatibility of one to their partner. It is a theoretical model. According to The RAM Series, “the RAM provides a relationship GPS for understanding what is happening within a relationship, for evaluating its health, for determining its weaknesses or vulnerabilities, and for knowing how to strengthen, set boundaries, and intentionally run that relationship” (RAM Series)

Other key points that were mentioned are: 

 

TIME 

Take the relationship slowly. Getting to truly know an individual takes time. A lot of it. In fact, Dr. Van Epp calls it “The Three-Month Rule,” that it takes about three months until someone is comfortable enough to show the true patterns of showing their true identity. Patterns unravel and are shown in a transparent light. The mask of perfection and trying to put on a "show" starts to slip off and only just begin to show their true self.

RELATIONSHIP SCRIPTS 

Another thing to look for in courting is how your partner treats others. Specifically—how do they treat people they don’t like? Three different ‘scripts’ are evident in one’s relationship with others. There is the ‘strangers/acquaintances’ category, the ‘friends and family’, and the ‘romantic category’ of scripts. We tend to treat each other differently, according to how well we know them, and in what context. When your partner is upset with you, how will they act? It may be strikingly similar to how they treat other people that annoy or upset them. So watch carefully—and pick up on those relationship scripts!

In conclusion, there are certain patterns and signs you should be looking for in those you date. By following these key principles and the RAM model, you are reaching towards a successful, happy, and lasting relationship.